In his own words, as told to writer K-Ci Williams, J-pop idol Shinjiro Atae shares his experience of coming out as gay to fans last month.
It still hasn't hit me yet. It doesn’t feel real. A week ago, I came out to the world as a gay man at Line Cube Shibuya in Tokyo, Japan. I thought I’d be okay coming out to the public on that stage. I was literally shaking, freaking out, scared. Voices around me said, “Shin, you can do it. We love you.” Hands were on my chest, touching my heart, feeling it pounding away.
I always get nervous, especially before the first show of a tour, but this felt different. I was the most nervous I've ever been in my life. But my friends and family were there, and their love is why I could do it. Once I went on the stage, and I saw all of my fans, I could feel their support. I cried reading my coming out letter. Those voices again: “Shin, don’t worry about us. You’re doing great.” That made me cry more.
I’ve been coming out for many years; two-and-a-half years ago to my mom, and five years ago to one of my best friends, which was my first time coming out in the Japanese language. It was easier for me to come out in English, because it’s not my first language. When I speak English, I have to act a little differently. It’s not 100 percent me. But when I talk in Japanese, I don’t even have to think about it, it just comes out naturally.
I kind of knew that I was gay since I was a kid, but I didn't even know what “gay” meant. All the words I grew up listening to — the comedians on TV mocking gay people, the kindergarten teacher who told me to choose blue over pink, the boys at school who would talk about girls — all of them, were in Japanese. It’s the first language in which I understood that part of me was wrong.
When I signed with my former management company, I was only 14. I was 16 when I debuted as part of AAA in 2005. I just wanted to be a pop star and I wanted to be famous; I didn't have time to accept myself, or learn what LGBTQ+ meant. Back then, nobody talked about it. I didn't have an iPhone. I didn't have Netflix. Nowadays, there are so many TV shows that have gay scenes and characters. I always thought that I was wrong, that I was the only one who was gay. I felt pressure to debut and to make it as an idol. That's where my mind was focused. On my dreams.
Living in the U.S. for the past several years, I was scared of coming out to people here — so afraid that someone would recognize me if I went to the gay clubs in L.A. that I often wouldn’t go. The few times that I did go out, it was with my female friends and I would wear a hat. I was scared of people taking pictures and videos, but I didn’t want to tell them not to, because they didn’t know who I was. I was just a stranger at a party, not Shinjiro Atae.
I felt empty inside. I couldn’t be out in the U.S., and I couldn’t be gay in Japan. So where could I live? All I have ever wanted is to be happy. I didn't do anything wrong. We don't do anything wrong. We're born this way. Why do we have to hide? One of my songs is called “You Only Live Once,” like the YOLO trend. I told my fans that you only live once; you’ve got to do what you want to do. Life is too short. But I wondered, why can’t I also be like that?
I've recently been working with Gon Matsunaka, who is the president of Pride House Tokyo, Japan's first permanent LGBTO+ center. He was the first Japanese gay man that I came out to. Being in the closet means I’ve never really had the chance to talk to Japanese LGBTQ+ people. I have a friend who is bisexual, and people tell him he’s gay. But he obviously likes girls, too. We’re both LGBTQ+, but we also face different issues. I want to talk to others, like lesbians and transgender people, because I only know what it’s like to be gay. There are so many things I have to learn.
Baby steps, I think. I spent 34 years of my life in the closet, and I’m still letting that tension go. Yoga helps. Meditate and manifest, you know? I called some of the AAA members; they’re very supportive. And my mom just flew out to me here in L.A. for my mental health. This is all new to me, I’m not used to it; I don’t feel “out” out. I might have come out, but I haven’t arrived yet.
But if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I thought I was alone when I was younger, and it was the worst feeling I’ve had in my life. But there are people who will support you. It takes time. You only live once, and you are not alone.
