Messy friendships have always been a hallmark of teenage entertainment and pop culture, but lately, it feels like there's been a toxic friend group at the center of the buzziest shows. In Hulu’s Tell Me Lies, for instance, a close trio of friends—Lucy, Pippa, and Bree—falls apart under the weight of whispered secrets, and also toxic romantic relationships (soooo many toxic men). Similarly, in Netflix’s Dare You to Death, a tight-knit friend group becomes trapped in a deadly game in which their darkest secrets are unveiled and survival turns them against one another.
Onscreen, the red flags of a toxic friendship can be dramatic and seem obvious. But in real life, they’re not always easy to spot. Beyond the clear signs on TV—like blatant deception, gaslighting, and manipulation—how can you tell if you’re in a toxic friendship IRL? And what can you do if you think you might be in a toxic friendship or friend group?
We asked Sarah Quaratella, MD, a board-certified adult psychiatrist who specializes in women’s mental health, to explain what a toxic friendship is, and what to do if you find yourself in one. While friendships vary and the definition of a toxic friendship isn’t always cut and dry, there are potential warning signs that can indicate it’s time to talk to a trusted professional. Ahead, we break down these signs and more about toxic friendships.
What is a toxic friendship?
Though it’s typically more complex, put simply, a toxic friendship is often “one where you don’t feel like you can be yourself,” Dr. Quaratella tells Teen Vogue. Maybe you feel self-conscious around this friend group, or think you’ll be negatively judged because of your background, identity, interests, hobbies, or just being who you are. Maybe you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells or need to adapt your behavior to be accepted in the group.
Conversely, a healthy friendship feels safe, mutual, and just good. “[In a healthy friendship,] you feel like you can be yourself and not like you need to perform in a certain way,” explains Dr. Quaratella. “You can come as you are and they accept you and aren’t judgmental of you.”
A big caveat here is that friendships constantly fluctuate. Yes, a friendship that was once healthy can sour and turn toxic over time. Alternatively, Dr. Quaratella points out, your friend might be experiencing depression, anxiety, or a stressful life circumstance, and they can’t reciprocate as much as they normally have in the friendship—that doesn’t always mean the friendship is becoming toxic.
What are some signs of a toxic friend group?
There are always nuances to relationships, but here are some possible signs that a friendship might be turning toxic.
If you feel like you’re the only one putting work into the friendship—like always reaching out first to schedule hangouts, being the only one texting in the group chat—that could be a sign your friendship is veering into toxic territory; however, Dr. Quaratella warns, this should not be your only consideration.
Life happens! Maybe your friend is busy cramming for midterms or traveling with friends for spring break. Again, maybe they’re going through something—e.g., a bad breakup, academic stress, family stuff—that’s preventing them from being more present. So ask yourself: Has your friend been there for you in the past? Or has there been a more consistent pattern of the friendship feeling unequal?
Remember, a healthy friendship is one where you feel comfortable and can be yourself. If you often feel self-conscious or like you have to change your behavior or actions to be accepted in the friend group, then you might be in a toxic situation.
Just like houses, relationships should have a solid foundation. A “wobbly foundation” is a potential sign of being in a toxic friend group, says Dr. Quaratella. Did you become friends based on just popularity or status? Has your friend talked about you behind your back from the jump? A healthy friendship is built on respect and trust, whereas a toxic one may not have started out that way.
What can I do if I find myself in a toxic friend group?
If you find yourself in a toxic friendship or friend group, there are ways to get help. Whether you decide to distance yourself from the relationship or ultimately talk to your friend(s), it’s most important to do what feels best for you and your particular situation.
In high school and college, it can be hard to find your place—especially if you find yourself stuck in a toxic friend group. That’s why making new, fulfilling connections is so important.
“Get involved in hobbies and communities [where] you find you’re more likely to have a more like-minded group of people,” recommends Dr. Quaratella. Whether that means joining a sorority, a club, or grabbing coffee with a class friend, making and nurturing other friendships can help you feel more fulfilled and better able to recognize that there’s life outside of your toxic friend group.
A good ol’ vent sesh doesn’t just feel cathartic, it can also help you figure out next steps. Call an old friend from high school or text a family member and fill them in about what’s going on. “Having support from trusted friends, siblings, or someone else who has been through a similar thing can provide validation,” says Dr. Quaratella.
Above all else, she adds, if you think you might be in a toxic friendship, reaching out to a licensed therapist can be really beneficial.
If you’re not in a place to talk to someone about the situation, journaling can also be a useful tool. Sometimes jotting down your thoughts can help release stress and enable you to work out what to do next, explains Dr. Quaratella.
If you feel like there’s hope in saving the friendship—whether that's because there is a strong foundation or you suspect your friend may be going through a rough patch—confronting them might be the right step toward resolution.
Imagine, for example, that you’re coming back home for Thanksgiving break. Your high school bestie now has a new college friend group, and she has completely changed from how you remember her. “If you feel comfortable in the foundation of that friendship, notice that pattern continues, and that person means a lot to you, you can say something simple like, ‘Hey, I’ve noticed things have changed a lot since we went to college,’” Dr. Quaratella suggests.
She also recommends always avoiding “you” language; instead, use “I” language, letting the friend know how they made you feel vs. harping on what they might’ve done wrong.
Friend breakups are never fun, but sometimes, they’re a necessary part of life. If you think you’re at that stage, there are two main options, says Dr. Quaratella: distancing or confrontation.
Distancing may be a good course of action if: a) it feels emotionally unsafe to address the problem directly; b) this is not someone you anticipate having contact with in the future; or c) you simply don’t have the energy to invest more in a toxic friendship, Dr. Quaratella says.
But if you do have continued contact with this friend or want to establish a clear boundary, it may be worth confronting them—and it doesn’t have to be a huge thing. Simply saying something like, “I’m taking space right now,” or “I’ll be less available moving forward,” can suffice, she says.
