Welcome to Down to Find Out, a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Here, Nona tackles how to talk about sex with your partner. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com or fill out this Google form. (It’s anonymous!)
I feel ready to get intimate with my s/o but don't know if he feels the same way. I'm scared bringing up the subject in case "the talk" gets too awkward. Is there any way I can gently bring it up without seeming too pushy?
—Therese, 17, she/her
Not only is this an important question, but it's also an interesting case of role reversal. Typically, our society puts the onus on women and girls to be the gatekeepers of their bodies, to "let" others touch them and have sex with them, rather than pursue sex on their own terms. Girls often become used to managing other people's desires and, unfortunately, fending off pressure to go further than they feel comfortable with. Our last letter-writer, for instance, was worried that her partner would want to have sex right away and reject her for wanting to wait. But in this case, you're the one who seems fairly sure of what you want, and you're the one who's initiating a negotiation with your partner.
First, let me commend you on going about this thoughtfully. The world would be better if everyone who desired sexual intimacy made sure they weren't being too pushy with their partners. And you seem to care about whether your boyfriend is on the same page. He's lucky to have you!=
Now, onto your questions. You're worried about making it awkward with your partner. Is there any way to avoid this? I'm not going to lie to you: Maybe not! Not everyone grew up talking about sex openly, so there might be a little discomfort, no matter how gentle or respectful you are. To paraphrase Taylor Swift, there comes a time when we all have to embrace the cringe, and this might be one of those times.
This isn't a reason not to do it, though. Being honest and vulnerable with someone you want to be sexually intimate with is necessary. I'd start by picking a time when you're not even close to hooking up when there's no chance that the heat of the moment could take over and cloud his judgment or yours. Then, without being too aggressive or sexually explicit, let him know in your own words that you're really attracted to him, that you'd like to explore together physically, and how does he feel about that? Reassure him before the conversation gets too far, that he doesn't have to answer right away, and that you're open to anything he has to say.
And again, there may be awkward pauses. He may fidget or shift in his seat or try to change the subject. But if you come to him with a generous and patient posture, making clear that whatever he says is okay, he may respond better than you expect. And he may be more on the same page than you might have thought!
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