Friendship might come naturally to you, but when it comes to how to make friends — well, that’s a bit harder. Gone are the days when you’d just bump into each other on the playground or your parents would create playdates for you. Now, you’re the author of your own friendship book, and it can feel overwhelming to fill those pages. Throw in the fact that everyone is followed by everyone on social media, and it can feel like a true friendship conundrum — how do you make real, true, meaningful relationships when you’re already in constant contact, or when it seems like they already have their friends sorted?
Danielle Bayard Jackson, Friendship Coach and author of Fighting for Our Friendships, says we need to get really particular about what friendship means. “It’s a voluntary, reciprocal relationship where there is mutual trust, respect, and affection.” She notes that could sound pretty basic, but we might use the word to describe a contentious relationship that lacks respect and genuine care, or even to describe anyone in our social network. In a time of parasocial relationships on social media, it’s important to emphasize the reciprocal part. “Meaning we’re both invested,” says Jackson.
“Every stage of life comes with its own unique challenges to developing friendships, right? When you're younger, it's maybe feeling confident in your sense of self as you try to find belonging and connection,” says Jackson. But as you get older, different demands to your time take precedence. Translation? This time is a great opportunity to build meaningful connections with people. So how do you do that? Read on for Jackson’s tips on how to make friends (and keep them).
1. Work with Proximity as a Basis
When it comes to being young, you have a huge advantage in making friends—you’re around your peers at school more often than not. “Two things that tend to be strained as one gets older—time and proximity. Teenagers and young adults tend to have those going for them,” says Jackson. “And the research shows that those are key ingredients to friend making. There's something known as the mere exposure effect, which means we tend to favor people just because they're familiar. So if you're familiar to me, I automatically favor you over somebody who's a stranger.” Jackson points to research from the University of Kansas that worked to figure out how long it really takes to make a close friend (it’s about 50 hours to go from casual to close friends, if you’re wondering). So being in proximity for longer periods of time helps to make a friend.
2. Highlight Your Similarities
Want a surefire shortcut to making a friend? Relatability. In other words, highlighting your similarities is going to take you far. Research shows that we tend to like people who are like us, a concept known as homophily. “So if that's the case, you can use this research, this tendency, to your benefit,” says Jackson. “If you meet somebody new, you're talking to somebody, highlight the ways in which you're the same.” Jackson notes that she doesn’t mean downplaying your actual interests, feelings, or positions, but rather, give more attention to the ways you're the same. There are endless questions to get to know someone or questions to ask friends, old and new, to help identify where you have commonalities. “Be careful of falling into traps of always pushing back or contradicting or combating, especially in initial interaction with the people you're trying to get to know,” she says. “We tend to have a good affection toward people who are like, oh my gosh, she's just like me.”
3. Let People Know You Like Them
This sounds super basic, but letting people know that you like them is another quick way to bridge the friendship divide. While it sounds easy, it takes a level of bravery and vulnerability to let people know that you enjoy being around them and want to hang out more. “It can feel cringe, it feels vulnerable. We're scared of rejection and I can appreciate that,” says Jackson. “But according to the research, we're more inclined to people when we know that they like us. So that hopefully encourages us to be brave.” Jackson notes that it doesn’t have to be an explicit “I like you,” but can also mean letting them know that you like attributes about them. “‘Oh, it's so nice to finally meet somebody else who likes this particular game.’ Or ‘Wow, it's so nice to meet another introvert who totally gets it,’ or, ‘I'm so glad that you like reading. I love that too.’ If you're reluctant to do that because it's cringe or whatever you might be getting in your own way,” she says.
4. Foster One-On-One Relationships, Not Just Friend Groups
It’s time to take your friendships out of the group chat. “Whenever I'm coaching younger clients, they really have an emphasis on group. ‘I want a friend group.’ Sure, that's a form of loneliness, is to not be a part of a group. But when it comes to developing friendships, I encourage people to look at how many of their exchanges are happening in groups,” says Jackson. She notes that most close friendships are really made one-on-one. And that while having both individual and group dynamics and relationships is important, one-on-ones are crucial because “that's when people tend to show up differently and a little bit more vulnerable, too.”
5. Don’t Be Afraid to Be the Connector
It’s okay to show up in your life, and especially in your friendships. You don’t have to be the low maintenance friend—you can be the connector (at least, to get a friendship going, you might have to be.) “Instead of waiting to be invited, instead of waiting for people to text first…if you make connecting a part of who you are, you feel less reluctant, you feel less embarrassed, you feel less afraid to reach out,” emphasizes Jackson. “You have the power to help co-create what your friendships look like and not just, ‘I'll take whoever comes to me and I'll only reach out if I can get some kind of guarantee that they feel the same way.’ It does require bravery, but tell yourself you're a connector. And because you're a connector, reaching out to people, texting first, inviting people over, suggesting a hangout, those behaviors are an extension of your identity. They're not just little behaviors you try on every now and then and these moments of confidence. It's a mindset shift, but that kind of helps to change the game.”
6. Make It a Friend Activity, Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It
We spend more time alone than ever before, talking to our friends less often, and having less close friendships—so Jackson encourages those who are fostering new friendships to socialize your interests. “How can you take your interests, the things that you're probably doing alone, and how can you invite other people into it?” she says. Jackson notes that this doesn’t have to be at a detriment to the things you want to do alone, but rather, an extension of things you’re already doing in which you might like some company. Whether that’s going to new restaurants together or just reading the same book and starting a one-on-one book chat, make time to share your interests with others. It also doesn’t have to be hobbies—running errands together can be an easy way to hang out while also being productive.
7. Remind Yourself That Friendships Look Different — It’s About What Feels Good to You
Jackson points out that many social media memes point to the newer cultural attitudes of friendships, which is this idea that low-maintenance friendships are the way to go. That we all have different lives and checking in just once and awhile is enough. And while that may be true for some friendships, it may not work for all and it may not work for you. “It has people thinking that the kind of relationships they desire are too much, they're too needy, they're too clingy because I don't want to not be a low maintenance friend,” says Jackson. “Think about the attitudes toward friendship. You hear people around you saying, and you ask yourself if you agree with that or not. You don't have to readily adopt those same ideas. If for you friendship looks like checking in once a week or doing something together on the weekends, that's what it looks like for you. And if you meet somebody who feels different, the key is to negotiate what friendship can look like for y'all. Together you are creating it together, like co-creation of the friendship. But if you are downplaying your desire to get to know somebody to hang out with, you're downplaying it for the fear of feeling like your love is too great, then that becomes an authenticity issue. So be careful with what you're consuming on social media to make you believe that the desires you have for friendship are too much or too little.”
8. Don’t Read Social Media as the Truth—Push Past It
Another way social media can affect your budding friendships or keep you from making friends? You can create false narratives that keep you from engaging in friendship behavior. “You can see when people gather, you can see when people are hanging out, you can see who has a group chat when they share screenshots… Be careful of how much social media plays a role in how you feel about your friendships,” says Jackson. You may be just as close as another friend who is constantly sharing about their friendship with another. Perspective can be skewed when viewing social media—focus on how interactions, both online and IRL, make you feel and go off that. People are allowed to have different types of friendships, just as you are. Don’t be afraid to push past the fear of rejection or “infiltrating” a friend group just because of what you’re shown online.
9. Say the Quiet Part Out Loud
To make new friends, you also have to reconcile the old. “If you feel like there's a friendship that's changing, it's okay to say, ‘huh, I feel like things are so different. I don't see you as often as I used to. What can we do?’ Say the quiet part out loud,” says Jackson. They understand that this may feel a little out of your depth, but making true friendships requires a level of commitment just as it does any other relationship: “I have noticed that it's normal to talk about relationships in every other context, but not in friendship. We think it's weird or too intense to talk about the actual relationship. But in a professional environment, it's normal to have a performance review and talk about your progress, or you talk about to your mother about how she raised you and your relationship. You talk to a boyfriend about what you need more of from him, whatever it is. But in friendships, we secretly believe that it should just be natural and organic, but they're better if you talk about them. It doesn't make you too much.” Consistency, vulnerability, and positivity are the three keys to a friendship, Jackson says, and when you say the quiet part out loud, you’re improving upon your vulnerability, with new and old friends alike.
