Teen Vogue's Twentysomethings Guide is your go-to resource for the more confusing parts of going out on your own.
You’ll often hear parents tell their children, “You’ll always be my baby.” But as these “babies” transition from their teens to adulthood, this sentiment starts to feel more like a limitation than words of endearment.
For 21-year-old Christian, even being the middle child hasn’t spared him from the weird liminal space between childhood and adulthood. Christian, like 45% of 18- to 29-year-olds, lives with his parents in New Jersey when he’s not in his dorm at Boston College during the semester and he plans to stay with them a little while after he graduates next year, so he can save up enough money to move out on his own.
Even though he’s grateful he’ll have a place to stay as he navigates post-grad reality, Christian admits to being nervous about butting heads with his parents. He’ll be a fully-fledged adult in every sense of the word, but he knows that his parents are learning to really see him that way. And he’s worried that sometimes that can interfere with his growth.
“The transition from a teenager to young adulthood can be an exciting time of self-discovery,” child psychiatrist Monika Roots, MD tells Teen Vogue. “It can also present a new set of challenges as teens begin to pull away from their parents in order to establish their own identity.” Whether it’s moving away for college like Christian, being introduced to financial independence, or navigating your first real relationship, adulthood is burdened with exposure and newness at almost every turn.
“This is a normal and healthy evolution, but it can be painful and turbulent as everyone is trying to figure out their evolving roles within the family dynamic,” says Dr. Roots, who cofounded Bend Health, a virtual mental health platform for children, teens, and families in 2021.
While every adult has some growing up to do, 20-somethings are tasked with a very particular kind of growing up — everything in their life is changing and they have to figure out how their relationship with their parents changes alongside that.
So how do you transition your relationship with your parents into adulthood? We asked a few experts to weigh in.
Communicate
This seems sort of obvious, but in adulthood you’re going to need your communication skills probably more than anything else — especially with your parents. “Communication tends to be one of the most common topics and challenges that arise when teens grow into adults,” Reena B. Patel, parenting expert, psychologist, and behavioral analyst tells Teen Vogue.
Even if you and your parents have had solid communication in the past, it’s more likely than not that you’ll have to adjust. “Now that the dynamics of the relationship have changed, a different approach to communicating is required,” Patel says.
How do you want your parents to see you? What new freedoms are you looking to have? You might have a vision of what adulthood looks like for you, but you can’t expect your parents to just get with the program (even if the “adult” in you feels entitled to).
For Christian, one of the biggest challenges was navigating just what he’d need permission for, like leaving the house or being out late. “It was uncomfortable at first because it felt like I was being overly assertive or demanding,” he says. But by communicating with his parents, he found something that worked for them. Their only request was that he never leave the house without letting them know, just so they would know he was safe.
While communication around this went smoothly for Christian, it’s understandable if the same wouldn’t happen in your house. Everyone’s home dynamics are different and varying cultural backgrounds can affect how easily you’ll be considered a “real” adult. This is when boundary-setting becomes essential.
Set boundaries
There can be pushback and tension as you and your parents learn how to navigate your newfound adulthood together. “Setting healthy boundaries is really the key,” Patel says.
Dr. Roots defines a boundary as “a clearly defined limit that protects you from negativity and behavior that could be damaging to your inner self.” She says it’s a common belief that boundaries are set for another person, but the reality is that they’re there for your protection.
Learning how to set boundaries as a young adult goes hand-in-hand with communicating. Make it clear to your parents how you would like to be treated. This usually involves how you want your privacy to be respected, how they can weigh in on your life decisions, and what type of space you may need from your parents.
Boundaries can be physical or mental, Dr. Roots explains. A physical boundary can involve letting your parents know you’d like them to knock before entering your room. A mental boundary, on the other hand, can be you letting them know you need a break from a conversation or topic.
“Having healthy boundaries helps us focus on what’s most important to us and feel empowered,” Dr. Roots says. “They can reduce anxiety, resentment, and guilt, and increase your connection with your parents.”
Setting boundaries can be extremely awkward and uncomfortable, but remember to push through. Despite your parents potentially feeling disrespected by your assertiveness, it’s important to remain steadfast in what you want for yourself. But it doesn’t have to feel like an argument.
“Now more than ever it's really important to be intentional with your words and create an open and trusting environment so your relationship can stay strong,” Patel says. This involves being as clear and specific about those boundaries as possible. It also means being consistent with these rules you set for yourself. If you let your parents break a boundary once, odds are they’ll do it again. “By being consistent, you can demonstrate to your parents that these boundaries are to be taken seriously,” Dr. Roots says.
It’s helpful to remind them that they’ve been raising you to prepare you for this exact phase in your life. Parents often dream that their kids will grow up to be independent, successful adults. Sometimes, they just need to be reminded that that involves them letting go a little.
“What I find most effective is reminding them both that I’m now at a point where I not only can make my own decisions but that I should be doing so to establish more independence,” Christian says. “One of the ways that people grow is through making mistakes.”
This can be a little more complicated if you don’t have the best relationship with your parents to begin with. Setting boundaries may be a challenging process every single time. In these difficult moments, Dr. Roots advises against expending too much energy trying to get them to see your point of view. So many different factors including age, upbringing, and cultural differences might make it nearly impossible for your parents to ever fully understand your perspective on things (and vice versa). “Just because they have not experienced the same things as you and may have a different viewpoint on a situation, they can still support you as you navigate the situation,” she says. “It can actually be an opportunity of learning and growth for all of you if you let it be!”
Instead, your focus should remain on reinforcing your boundaries anytime you might butt heads with your parents. Just make sure you’re being logical about the areas in your life where you’re setting parameters.
Prove yourself
“From making dentist appointments to doing laundry, parents have been the managers of their children’s entire lives,” says Dr. Roots. During the transition into adulthood, parents are tasked with stepping back into more of a consultant role — and it’s important that you let them.
Technically, you’re an adult no matter what your dynamic with your parents is. But if you’re adamant about having them see you as a grown-up, then it’s time to start acting that way. It’s time to take charge of all the things you’ve relied on your parents for all these years.
By proving you can take care of yourself, manage your own money, and fulfill your responsibilities, you’re doing the best thing you can do for your cause. It’s difficult for parents to realize that their kids are growing up, so when you take action to lead your life as an adult, it forces them to see you that way.
But that doesn’t mean once you become a legal adult, you can never ask your parents for help again. “As you become more independent, asking your parents for help is not a sign of weakness,” Dr. Roots says. “You’re at a transitional time in your life and you’re not expected to be a perfect, independent adult right off the bat.”
She advises that you make sure whenever you ask for help that you’re not creating a situation for you and your parents that allows you to be dependent on them for that task in the future. If you don’t know how to do something, ask them to guide you rather than have them do the service for you. That way, you can learn to do it on your own.
Lead with empathy
You’re going to bump heads with your parents — it’s basically a rite of passage. Arguments are bound to happen and situations will turn tense. While it’s important that you advocate for yourself, it’s also helpful to remember that you might need to take a step back from time to time and put things into perspective.
“Adult children have their own interests, beliefs, relationships, and lives, and are truly their own person,” Patel says. “Their parents are no longer the center of their world.” And for a parent, this can be devastating. While there’s a need for your parents to be understanding of the adult you’re becoming, there needs to be consideration from you for the changes your parents are experiencing as well. Conversations shouldn’t be fueled by entitlement, but rather by a desire to mutually find growth in your relationship.
Having an adult relationship with your parents can be so fulfilling. You learn to trust each other with details about your lives and you begin to value each other’s opinions more. But none of this can happen if you go into every conversation with your parents angry, guns blazing.
“It’s their first time raising you, just like it's your first time being raised by them,” says Christian. And you know how only your parents can say that one thing to you that really gets under your skin? “The things you say to them have just as much impact as what they say to you,” he says.
