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In this op-ed, Features Director Brittney McNamara examines Betty Who's recent comments about Reneé Rapp's sexuality.
Update: On August 28, Betty Who posted a statement to her Instagram story acknowledging that the language she used on the podcast “poorly articulated [her] experience and unintentionally reinforced ideas that were harmful or dismissive, particularly toward the lesbian community.” Who went on to apologize, noting that she understands she's “coming from a a place of privilege,” and “never meant to contribute to prejudice against the community.”
It’s been a big bisexual summer for a lot of celebrities, and their dating habits have, rightfully, made some waves. In June, Jojo Siwa, who previously identified as a lesbian, made her relationship with Big Brother UK costar Chris Hughes public. That same month, queer singer Fletcher announced that she had a boyfriend alongside a song called “boy.” With these revelations, many questioned both the aesthetic shift that came along with the identity change and the way they chose to talk about their sexualities. Some of the discussions reckoned with how we can simultaneously understand that sexuality can shift and be cautious about playing into homophobic ideas — like the ever-present myth that lesbians just need to “find the right man” to be straight.
Musician Betty Who — who identifies as bisexual and queer and is married to a straight, cis-gender man — recently weighed in on this discourse on Mallorie Glownke’s podcast, Made It Out. Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well. In tackling how Siwa’s queer identity is still valid even if she dates straight cis men, Who brought Reneé Rapp into the conversation, making a comment that many have interpreted as lesbophobic.
“A huge part of queerness is identifying yourself and putting yourself under the alphabet mafia,” Who said. This clip of the interview has now gone viral on TikTok. “Like ‘Which one are you?’ and ‘If you change that, I will never forget it!’ As much as it’s funny that Reneé Rapp is like, ‘You’ll never catch me dating a man.’ It’s like, ‘Go off, queen! I love that for you.’ But I also hold space for her in 10 years if she goes, ‘Oops, I met the love of my life and it’s this man, I didn't mean to.’ It’s like, that’s okay!”
It is, of course, okay if Rapp decides to date a man someday, but that’s not really for anyone to speculate. Rapp has been clear that she identifies as a lesbian (an identity she's had to defend in the past), and she’s discussed how difficult it was for her to publicly claim that label. Previously identifying as bisexual, Rapp came out as a lesbian in 2024 on SNL, opening up to them about her fear that the bi community would be upset with her. And, some people were upset. Rapp responded to those questioning her identity in an Instagram live, and she was clear that she’s an out and proud lesbian.
"Did you not f*cking hear me when I just said I'm a lesbian? When I said I'm a big, bad, f*cking lesbian?" Rapp said. "Here's why I'm f*cking pissed: You are the reason that people in our community don't feel safe coming out and changing and evolving.” Rapp explained that growing up in the South made it difficult for her to realize her sexuality, which is why people questioning it when she did come out stung even more.
If you look closely, Rapp and Who are saying pretty similar things — with one key difference. Like Who, Rapp is allowing room for growth and change, recognizing that queerness is a spectrum and that the LGBTQ community should be accepting and open if someone changes how they identify. But, unlike Who, Rapp’s statement acknowledges the many societal pressures and legitimate fears that might influence how and when someone publicly expresses their sexuality.
Lesbians are frequently subjected to the homophobic and incorrect idea that they can be “turned” straight. Jojo Siwa faced this rhetoric on Big Brother UK, when Mickey Rourke said that if he stayed for more than four days in the Big Brother house, Siwa “won’t be gay anymore,” apparently implying that he would make her straight through some means. Who addressed on the podcast that she hates that Siwa eventually dating a man “gives people who are homophobic a win,” seeming to touch on this incorrect idea that lesbians simply haven’t met the right man. Who is right that Siwa should feel free to date whoever she wants, regardless of how she’s publicly or privately identified in the past. But allowing someone the room for change when they’ve already done it is different than speculating that an openly gay woman might go back to men, particularly in the context of the homophobic rhetoric that lesbians often face, which Who herself acknowledged.
At a time when LGBTQ people are facing narrowing rights under the Trump administration, Who’s comments cut particularly deep. As a bisexual woman in a heteronormative relationship, Who must recognize the inherent privilege she has, something that Rapp — who’s publicly in a lesbian relationship — does not. Being bisexual is completely valid, and your queerness is not erased by a heterosexual relationship; being open and accepting of other people’s sexuality, and the changes they might undergo, is a net positive. But questioning whether an out lesbian might some day return to heteronormativity enforces long-held lesbophobic ideas, the exact kind that likely kept Rapp from publicly identifying as a lesbian.
Who’s statements are also part of a long history of white bisexual women particularly and their complex — and often misplaced — feelings about being queer. In a TikTok breaking down this dynamic, Aria Velz says, “There are white bisexual women who seem to always be fighting to be seen as valid as queer, whose pain around being queer is largely about the fear of losing community among queer people when they’re with a man. When they do date a man, they’re uncomfortable with the amount of privilege they gain because they still want to be aligned with being in this marginalized group. Therefore, they treat their fight for social capital among queer communities as on par with gay and trans people fighting for actual legal and political rights.”
That’s the real crux of the issue: LGBTQ people are still not equal, are still fighting for rights and for safety. It’s absolutely true that bisexual people face homophobic violence, discrimination, and rejection, even within the LGBTQ community. But, for bisexual people in heteronormative relationships, there is privilege earned. A previously bisexual woman who comes out as a lesbian is giving up the privilege of tying herself to a man and being perceived — incorrectly or not — as straight and benefiting from the societal protections that come with that. A previously lesbian woman who then identifies as bisexual or straight is gaining that privilege back. Those two experiences are not the same.
